From the rumblings I hear in the external universe I gather that the American people are not happy. No, I mean they are really not happy. Their ship is sinking, the crew is brawling on the decks, and the captain is staring glumly out to sea. A messenger approaches.
Messenger (played by Peter Leeds): Captain, sir, the mutineers have presented their new demands.
Captain (played by Stan Freberg): What—new demands? I’ve already agreed to everything they’ve asked for.
Messenger: Well, the thing is … uh … it seems they’ve reached a new compromise.
Captain: Compromise? What do you mean? Compromise with whom?
Messenger: With the mutineers.
Captain: The mutineers have reached a compromise with—the mutineers?
Captain: Explain yourself.
Messenger: Well, you see, Long John Boehner has lost control over his men, and some of them are insisting that the ship be scuttled, sir.
Messenger: So history will blame you for it.
Captain: I’ll accept that. It makes perfect sense. But what about the rest of them?
Messenger: Well, they think they can get the holdouts to compromise if you’ll let them heave the paying passengers overboard, and begin drilling holes in the side of the ship.
Captain: Well, that sounds reasonable. Tell them I accept.
Messenger: All right.
Captain: You think they’ll go for it?
Messenger: I don’t know if it’s wild enough. It’s got to be wild …
Captain: Say—tell them if they go for this one, they can set fire to the engine-room as well. That should impress the lot of them.
Messenger (dubiously): I’ll try. But I'm not holding my breath.
Captain: You do that.
Checkers - Observed on S Street NW, between 8th and 9th, Shaw, D.C.:
4 hours ago