15 May 2016

Recycled Apologetics: Brant Pitre's The Case for Jesus


I
’d intended to review Brant Pitre’s The Case for Jesus: The Biblical and Historical Evidence for Christ (Image, 2016) here at Rational Rant, but I’ve run out of time, and I’m not really that interested as things turn out. I had thought from the title that Dr. Pitre would be dealing with the inanities of the mythicists—those nuts who think that a reasonable case can be made for Jesus as a purely fictional character—but it turns out not so much. He is asking, rather, “Did Jesus of Nazareth claim to be God?”
Dr. Pitre’s answer is yes. To make his case he recycles the arguments of Paley and McIlvaine yet another time—the gospels are reliable because they were written either by eyewitnesses (Matthew, John) or by people who had followed the apostles (Mark, Luke), and so it’s all just a matter of reading what they say and applying it, and so on and so forth ad nauseam. And yes, Dr. Pitre does hold an actual doctorate from a real university, which makes it all the more puzzling that he writes like a clever undergrad who has just discovered J. A. T. Robinson’s Redating the New Testament and thinks the Bishop of Woolworth’s has a point. Yes, the book is that bad, or that good, depending I suppose on how you look at it.
Looking at this particular glass as being half full, Dr. Pitre conducts his flimflam with flair, and the casual reader may not notice the bait-and-switch tactics he employs against his straw men. On the half-empty side, none of this is particularly new, and Dr. Pitre has the annoying habit of simply asserting things when he ought to be laying out evidence for them—for example that the titles of the gospels necessarily imply authorship claims, or that legendary material about Jesus was taught formally, rather than transmitted informally.
One of the historical puzzles about the gospels—bear with me here, this is a digression but a necessary one—is the failure of first and second century writers to mention them by name even when apparently quoting from them. Justin Martyr (middle of the second century) refers to them vaguely as the memoirs of the apostles, but it is not until the end of the second century that Irenaeus refers to them by their present names—and his description makes it clear that he is referring to our extant gospels. This fairly significant gap caused a number of nineteenth-century writers to infer that the gospels themselves did not exist until late in the second century—but manuscript discoveries, examination of the text of the gospels, and close analysis of second century writers seem to rule that out.
Assuming these conclusions are warranted, how then do we account for the discrepancy? One explanation is that when the gospels circulated individually they were without distinctive titles, perhaps being called something simple like “The Gospel” or “The Gospel of Jesus Christ” (as in the beginning of Mark). Only when the four were included together in the fourfold gospel canon was it necessary to provide them with clearly distinctive names, and so it is that the first author to clearly attest the fourfold gospel is also the first to clearly refer to them by name.
Now Brant Pitre, for whatever reason, wishes to argue that the gospels never circulated sans title. He seems to imagine that this would be a point in favor of their reliability—although nothing is easier than to add a phony claim of authenticity to a forgery, if that’s what he’s trying to forestall. (Consider, for example, that William Henry Ireland’s Vortigern came complete with a short preface signed by William Shakespeare.) Naturally, you’d expect him to give some alternate explanation for the echoing silence from the first and second centuries.
As my father used to say, you may expect anything, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. And in this case we sure as hell don’t. Instead we’re treated to a little song and dance about how copies of the gospels—the gospels included in the fourfold canon to boot!—all have titles. To bulk up his list he makes a point of including Sinaiticus and Vaticanus four times each, once for each appearance of one of the four. The total irrelevance of this “evidence” doesn’t seem to faze him in the least.
And the pattern continues throughout. Dr. Pitre expends a good many pages on the “traditional” view of the authorship of the four gospels—how Matthew the tax-collector wrote the first of them in Hebrew, and it was translated into Greek later on; how Mark used to follow Peter around writing down whatever he said about Jesus, not necessarily getting it in the right order but trying to neither omit anything or add anything to the account; how Luke was Paul’s travelling-companion and wrote his gospel while Paul was still alive; how John dictated his gospel to somebody or other late in his life.
This is a lot of fun, needless to say, but it is also the rankest kind of hearsay. People like Tertullian, Irenaeus, Clement of Alexandria, writing a century or more after the gospels are supposed to have been written, are our informants, and none of them tell us how they know. This isn’t just a lame “were you there?” sort of thing; it’s important in evaluating traditions to have some idea of where they came from, and how the original informant came by them.
For two of these attributions we have a relatively early source, sort of. A man named Papias, whose hobby was collecting traditions from people who had known people who had known Jesus and assembling them into a book, recorded (probably at some time during the first half of the second century) that an unnamed elder had told him that he had heard that Matthew had written his account in Hebrew characters, and that Mark had been Peter’s interpreter and written down what he said. This is not especially solid, given that Papias didn’t tell us anything useful about this elder, and this elder gives no authority or source for his claims except a vague tradition, but for antiquity it’s not all that bad. I mean, it’s horrible, but plenty of times we have to hang our historical hats on flimsier hooks than this.
But there are two ways when it comes to evidence concerning authorship: there is the way of relying on the mere word of ancient writers, and there is the way of examining the evidence for ourselves. Ideally these should point us in the same direction—if ancient writers say that The Birds was written by the comic playwright Aristophanes, if collections include the play among his works, then we should find the language, appearance, and historical situation of the piece consistent with his authorship. If instead of a play in ancient Greek we found we were examining a laundry list in Sanskrit, we would have reason to be skeptical—either that the ancient writers didn’t know what they were talking about, or that what we have isn’t what they were looking at.
And that’s the problem with the four canonical gospels. They don’t read like eyewitness accounts, but rather like anonymous compendia of semi-random fragments. This was noted even in antiquity by Faustus of Mileve:
But, besides this, we shall find that it is not Matthew that has imposed upon us, but some one else under his name, as is evident from the indirect style of the narrative. Thus we read: "As Jesus passed by, He saw a man, named Matthew, sitting at the receipt of custom, and called him; and he immediately rose up, and followed Him." No one writing of himself would say, “He saw a man, and called him; and he followed Him;” but, “He saw me, and called me, and I followed Him.” Evidently this was written not by Matthew himself, but by some one else under his name. [Augustine, Contra Faustum, XVII 1]
And in fact not only does Matthew not appear to have been written by an eyewitness, it shows no sign of having been written in Hebrew (or even Aramaic). Mark could have had a Petrine source, maybe, but close analysis doesn’t suggest any substantial contribution if so. And John looks like a dialog created by slicing up some treatise by inserting questions, rather in the manner that The Sophia of Jesus Christ was created by slicing up the treatise of Eugnostos the Blessed.
So how does Dr. Pitre deal with this issue? He dismisses the evidence we can actually see for ourselves—at least if we have the patience to actually examine the documents in question—as speculative while elevating the late and remote testimony of the likes of Irenaeus to a primary position.
Very well, then, if we are supposed to accept this out-and-out hearsay from anonymous sources as definitive, what is Dr. Pitre’s explanation for the clear contradiction between the evidence of the documents and the ancient claims? That turns out to be simple: he makes no effort whatsoever. On page 97 he declares that the problem of the interrelationship of the gospels is insoluble, and moves on.
This is the point where I (metaphorically) hurled the book across the room before stamping on it and tossing it into the chipper. I mean, if you have no solution, however tentative, to the synoptic problem then you have no business writing jack about the historical Jesus. No business at all. That solution is the key to writing anything of consequence—no, anything at all—about Jesus and his place in history.
Everything of importance that we can say about the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth comes from the synoptic gospels. For us to evaluate the material appropriately we must have some notion of just what the hell we’re looking at. Are they eye-witness accounts, or careful historical narratives based on such accounts, or reminiscences made long after the events, or grab-bags of traditional information, or myth disguised as history, or what?
Dr. Pitre likes to ramble on about how such things as Markan priority or the Q hypothesis are not facts, but one thing that is a fact, no matter how you dance around it, is the close literary relationship between Matthew and Mark. Either Mark is a kind of peculiar reduction of Matthew, as Augustine suggested, or Matthew is an expansion of Mark as practically everybody who has ever tried to come to grips with the problem has concluded. In the first case the traditional claim about Mark following Peter around and writing down what he said goes up in flame like gasoline-soaked newspaper on a hot summer day. In the second case that whole little set-piece about Matthew (an eyewitness) writing down what he remembered in Hebrew gets blown away like a cobweb in a hurricane. And, of course, technically both gospels could be dependent on a hypothetical third document, in which case both of them are dead on arrival.
With a coherent explanation of the relationship among the gospels (such as the classic two-source hypothesis) we can at least make informed decisions about the material. In some cases we can even go behind the extant material, as is the case with Q[1], the hypothetical second source (the first is Mark) behind the sayings common to Matthew and Luke. Without such an explanation, all we can do is throw up our hands in despair, and either retreat into a naïve Mythicism or an abject credulity, the second being apparently Dr. Pitre’s choice.
I tried hard to come up with nice things to say about The Case for Jesus. I really like the writing style and the breezy way he negotiates a difficult topic. And it’s downright nostalgic revisiting these musty arguments, like taking a boat-ride through a Disney version of nineteenth-century apologetics. It’s a useful reminder that there is a conservative case for Jesus to be made, and it would be nice to see a forceful statement of that case. Unfortunately, this book aint it.

[1] Brant Pitre and I seem to have had opposite experiences in the search for Q. He started out as a die-hard believer; I started out as a die-hard skeptic. He was converted on reading Mark Goodacre’s book; I was slowly convinced of its (partial) reality by years of grappling with the texts themselves—though taking Dr. James Robinson’s class in Q back in the early eighties shook me up considerably. In my experience any hypothesis postulating Luke’s dependence on Matthew is a non-starter, anyway.

12 April 2016

Dumbasininity of the Day


[T]
he possession of a penis or, more fundamentally, the inheritance of the XY chromosome, is inalienably connected to maleness. As a statement, this seems to me biologically unexceptional.—Ian McEwan
[Letter to The Guardian, 6 April 2016]

08 April 2016

Dumbasininity of the Day


T
hose of us who realize the value of Christian history in American society are disappointed Governor Otter vetoed SB 1342. This bill validated appropriate use of the Bible as a reference in public schools. Although 81% of Idaho’s legislators supported the bill, and a resolution affirming its content passed the GOP convention with a near unanimous vote, Governor Otter chose to say ‘no’ anyway. A prosperous civilization needs a foundation. People with last names like Washington, Adams, and Madison blatantly identified the Bible as that reference point. They feared not having it would result in corruption and misuse of taxpayer funds. Are they right?— Sheryl Nuxoll
[“ACLU of Idaho commends Governor Otter on veto of SB 1342a,” Clearwater Tribune, 6 April 2016. Sheryl Nuxoll was the sponsor of the bill, which would have encouraged schools to use the bible as a textbook in such irrelevant subjects as music, geography, and (believe it or not) history.]

23 March 2016

Quotation of the Day


I
n his blithe assertions that he can solve any problem just by the sheer might and glory of his presence, Donald Trump is no aberration. He’s the logical culmination of this trend. Really, how is curing diabetes with cinnamon, or building your own solar panels in your garage, any different from building a big, beautiful border wall and making Mexico pay for it? They may differ in scale, but all these ideas trade off the fantasy that there are easy, one-size-fits-all solutions to big, complex problems.
The Republican establishment has worked hard for a generation to foster this way of thinking, teaching their voters to scorn complexity and distrust expertise. Whether it’s ending teen pregnancy and STDs by just telling kids not to have sex, or ending crime and violence by bringing back prayer in schools, or curing poverty by pushing poor people into marriage, or unleashing massive economic growth simply by cutting taxes on the super-rich—all these ideas are conventionally respectable, but they partake of the same mode of magical, unicausal thinking. In exploiting this mindset, Trump is merely walking through a door that generations of GOP leaders have left wide open.—Adam Lee
[“How the Right-Wing Scam Economy Created Donald Trump,” Daylight Atheism, 23 March 2016]

13 February 2016

Antonin Scalia (1936–2016)


A
ntonin Gregory Scalia (1936–2016) has slipped from the realm of life to take his proper place as an irrelevant historical footnote, a man whose blistering dissents will long be quoted as examples of the foolish and demented views held in bygone times. The living embodiment of the crazy old guy yelling at kids to get off his lawn—except that in Scalia’s case the kids were mostly imaginary as well—Scalia celebrated the oppression of minorities, the suppression of unpopular views, and the use of the machinery of government to enforce religious conformity. Finding himself living in a country he no longer recognized, dazed and bewildered by the current of popular opinion sweeping past him, he hissed and struck like a serpent caught in a flash flood. He ranted of sodomy and of the courts usurping the lawmaking power and of how there was just once race in America—and he understood very well which race that was. No minority citizen had any rights that a heterosexual Christian was bound to respect. He and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi would have understood one another well, past their skin-deep theological differences.
So farewell, crazy old guy. Whether as fool or object lesson you will not be forgotten by posterity. You will receive the usual tributes of the position—your words will be cited to show what idiots we all were in these benighted times, and your thoughts will be intermingled with equally inane things you never said. Your face will be the malignant face of our age, and our cultural descendants will spit on it, and us along with it. It’s too bad—but then, we should have known better than to elevate a guy like you to a position of authority. We probably have it coming.

31 December 2015

Milestone


O
n this day, 31 December 12015 (H.E.), I have now been blogging for exactly ten years. It’s an arbitrary milestone, but I personally rather like them, so noting it would seem to be in order. On the other hand, I have absolutely nothing to say about it.
So, what the hell. Here there be hippogryphs and divers beasts. Remember the Maine. Look out for the horse cars. And so it goes.

09 December 2015

Out But Not Down


S
tatus update: I’ve been having a hard time writing recently at least in part from the pressure of what’s going on around me. Yeah, okay, that’s an excuse, not a justification, but events have been exhausting. Most notably I’ve had a cold-like disease that while seemingly minor drained my energy considerably, stressful (separate) Thanksgivings with two (shall we say) branches of my family not on speaking terms with each other, and finally just two days ago a flood in the basement rooms I rent. It wasn’t much of a flood, as floods go—just an inch or so of water running through my bedroom and bathroom, but the chaos is considerable. In addition to removing the water and throwing out masses of stuff that had fallen into it and become useless, I’ve had people coming through to rip out the baseboards and install loud electric fans to dry the place out—these sent by my landlord.
As far as I can tell I haven’t lost anything of significance. Somehow in the chaos two fragile dime novels I own (related to the Modoc War) fell into the filthy flood water and turned up while I was cleaning up, but the plastic envelopes they were in appear to have done their jobs. (I won’t know for sure until they’ve dried off sufficiently for me to safely open them and remove the contents, but they appear to be safe inside.) A mass of receipts I was saving to show that I have in fact paid rent and performed other significant cultural rituals likewise ended up a sodden mass of indistinguishable garbage, but (keeping my fingers crossed) there’s a reasonable likelihood I’ll never need them. My towels are somewhat the worse for wear, but none of them are new, and they should continue to serve their original function.
Jesus F. Christ, though—waking up to the sound of water cascading through my window and across the small table I pretend is a desk (the antique desk I had for over forty years was deliberately destroyed a year and a half ago by minions sent by a lawyer with instructions to clear the house out) is something I don’t suppose I’ll ever forget. It was startling, to say the least. And it woke me out of a sound sleep. And I haven’t really slept much since then, what with one thing and another.
So, please note—I’m not complaining, not in the least—just explaining. I had entry-drafts for St. Nicholas’ Day (6 December) and Pretend to be a Time-Traveler Day (8 December), but I’ve missed them, so I guess they’ll have to wait until next year. Sorry about that. Still, I haven’t lost that old holiday spirit. I’m trying, mind you; it’s just hard to shake sometimes.

05 December 2015

Meme of the Day

(h/t Tom Van Dyke)

22 November 2015

Dumbasininity of the Day


T
he truth is that the study of evolution and creationism is historical science, not laboratory science. Some aspects of this historical science can be studied and analyzed in the laboratory, but how this actual science gets extrapolated back into history depends on one’s worldview. If you believe there is no god and that everything around us came from nothing, then you will be convinced that the laboratory science supports evolution. If you believe in God and the historical Genesis account, you will see clearly how this same laboratory science supports creationism.—Jim Hittepole
[“Letter: Science Supports Creationism,” in Statesville Record & Landmark, 11 November 2015]

20 November 2015

Quotation of the Day


I
f you want to understand US foreign policy, this is it: we are terrified of ‘foreigners’, so we build up a massive military that lets us bully everyone else, but when battered, fearful men, women, and children knock on our door and ask for mercy and understanding, we blubber in fear and add extra locks. We’re cowards. Understand that, you understand America.—P. Z. Myers
[from “Cowards,” Pharyngula, 20 November 2015]

05 November 2015

Quotation of the Day


T
he “culture of offence” absurdly implies that civility and manners are all that are needed to stop abductions and the slaughter of generations from Nigeria, Iran to Algeria. But the “culture of offence” is a smokescreen. It serves to legitimise Islamist terror and blame the victims. It misses the point. Being a woman, a freethinker, being gay, being unveiled, improperly veiled, an atheist, going to school, driving a car, having sex, falling in love, laughing out loud, dancing … “offends” them. Calling for civility, censorship, silence or “respect” for the “offended” is merely heeding the Islamist demand for submission at the expense of dissenters.—Maryam Namazie

31 October 2015

Poem Page

I
n October of 1962 there appeared in the Halloween issue of The Star a short poem in honor of the season. It read (more or less):
     A Halloween Poem. Copyright 1961
You’re looking at a post
When suddenly a ghost
Jumps out and gives a very frightful BOO!
A witch goes riding by
Away up in the sky
And suddenly a black cat howls at you.
The goblins have begun
To have a lot of fun
And then you think “Good grief! It’s Halloween!”
The Star was a short-lived periodical put out by a couple of grade-school kids (me and a friend, actually) from late 1961 to mid-1963 with a brief revival in early 1965. There were perhaps a dozen issues, with no more than fifteen or twenty copies made of each. We sold them to friends, family, and classmates. Only a handful of scattered copies survive.
The poem was mine (I say with reservations), and I wrote it in fifth grade—for what purpose I’m not sure. I wrote stuff like this constantly, often takeoffs and imitations. (I burlesqued Sara Coleridge’s “The Months” for one, by featuring the drawbacks of each month; and I transformed Jane Taylor’s “The Star” into a celebration of artificial satellites.) Most of it had no purpose except to entertain my friends and family, and to some extent to relieve the frustrations of school.
Fifth grade was particularly irritating, what with having a teacher who began the day with prayer and fire-and-brimstone preaching, before launching into a program of rote learning and copying paragraphs off the blackboard or out of books to be handed in and never seen again. (Mrs. Allen didn’t believe in creative writing or returning papers.) Definitions had to be memorized exactly; deviate from the text as handed down by Mrs. Allen by as much as a single word and that answer was wrong. None of this new-fangled nonsense about the idea being the important thing for her; no, memorization was the key whether you understood it or not.
It was in Mrs. Allen’s class that I wrote a poem about Halloween, a poem that my friends at least found amusing enough to hear, recite—and in at least one case, remember. It was not quite the poem as given above, however. You may have noticed something off about the second verse—it is half as long as the first, and is missing a rhyme for the word “Halloween.” As originally written it was a full verse, and there was a rhyme-word—but I have no copy of it from that time, and have to rely on my aging memory. The missing first three lines should have read:
From somewhere up the street
You hear a “trick or treat,”
And a yellow jack o’ lantern can be seen.
In spite of the lapse of time I’m actually quite certain of these lines, although I suppose it could have been down the street rather than up it. At least when I turned this paper up a few years back the other lines were all as I’d remembered them. But even with that the story is a little more complicated.
As I said, I don’t know why I wrote this—but I must have intended it for something, because I gave it to my mother to edit, which I normally did only for something I was submitting to somebody somewhere—a teacher, an editor, whatever. It wouldn’t have been for my teacher; Mrs. Allen had no tolerance for creative efforts by children. (Her light reading, she told us repeatedly, consisted of the Bible and Emerson’s essays.) We didn’t have any sort of literary magazine at the school, as far as I can recall. I might have planned to submit it to a contest or something—but if so that detail now escapes me.
It might have been intended for the first issue of The Star. I was definitely working on it in late October 1961, and I might have planned on including it. I probably didn’t, since the issue actually came out in early November (the last item I added, which I had to make room for, was the death of James Thurber on the 2nd), but that might have been my plan. As far as I know no copy of that issue survives; there were only three of them (since I did it with typewriter and carbonless paper) and I sold them all. But anyway, if I was planning on including it that might explain why I submitted it to my mother.
And that’s where I ran into a problem. You see, the final three lines originally noted that what with things looking as peculiar as they do, you exclaim Good God—maybe it’s Halloween. My mother said that the piece was fine as it stood except for one thing—the expression “Good God” had to go. She suggested “Good grief” as a replacement.
That was all very well and good, but as originally written God was my rhyme-word at the end of the fifth line, probably rhyming with odd at the end of the fourth. (I remember the sense of the thing, but not the exact wording.) Changing God to grief necessitated rewriting the fourth line as well. And, although the original lines had come easily to me, now I couldn’t think of anything that worked.
Abruptly a couplet—the one about goblins given above—popped into my mind and I threw it out at my mother. That’s fine, she said, but how are you going to finish it now? Well, it was easy enough. I didn’t like it, but I truncated the original line about it maybe being Halloween to a sudden realization in half a line, and the verse was done. And my friends seemed to like it as well as the original, so I just let it lie. And a year went by.
During that time my best friend took over as publisher and general manager of The Star (so the surviving issues say) while I held the position of editor. Other friends and relatives are listed as artists, reporters, and so on. We were now using a hectograph (or rather two hectographs) as our printing press. And I seem to have been losing interest in the thing. The Halloween issue of 1962 appears to be almost entirely my friend’s work. Page 3, the poem page, begins with the piece as noted, defective second verse and all.
You see, my friend had memorized the poem—but had forgotten part of it. (Years later he reprinted it in the same defective form for a school paper—also from memory.) It was flattering, I suppose, but I would have been a lot happier if he had managed to remember the whole damn thing—or better yet given me a chance to fix it.
Well, sic transit I guess. Time has passed on, and so has the publisher of The Star, and its chief reporter as well. But I survive, and even if I don’t give a damn now, I feel as if I owe something to the kid I once was. So here, as an act of belated justice to the ten-year-old who would have liked to see his poem published the way he wrote it, I will give it as best I can, allowing for the limitations of my sources and my memory:
You’re looking at a post
When suddenly a ghost
    Jumps out and gives a very frightful BOO!
A witch goes riding by
Away up in the sky
    And suddenly a black cat howls at you.
From somewhere up the street
You hear a “Trick or treat”
    And a yellow jack o’ lantern can be seen.
Since things are looking odd,
You stop and say, “Good God!
    I think perhaps it might be Halloween!”

27 October 2015

The Best of All Possible Worlds


“I
f Men are so wicked as we now see them with Religion what would they be if without it?” Benjamin Franklin asked some unknown person in 1757. As if to illustrate this point a man named Abu Ishaq al-Hijazi went into a house of worship in Najran wrapped with explosives and detonated them, causing many casualties. He was a very religious man, according to his friends. He differed theologically with the worshippers, calling them “rejectionist Ismaili polytheists” and so murdered them along with himself in an orgy of violence.
Wicked is clearly the right word for this guy, though I could think of some others I’d prefer. And he did have religion. How much worse could he be if he didn’t? I have to wonder, anyway. It doesn’t seem like religion did much to moderate his particular brand of evil—quite the contrary, actually.
The notion that religion is a moderating force for good—whatever that is—has always seemed a bit far-fetched to me. I mean, I get the concept—if people fear supernatural sanctions for bad behavior they will be motivated to do better. But self-love and self-preservation are much tougher than such tinsel phantasms. “I will swear and forswear myself,” Robert Poley famously observed, “rather than I will accuse myself to do me any harm.” Exactly. The cobwebby fear of invisible justice means nothing against the visible reality of personal harm.
Ah, but Abu Ishaq al-Hijazi turned to self-slaughter, the ultimate in personal harm. Is this not a refutation of some kind? He was, apparently, willing to die for his religion, at least if he could take believers of another stripe along with him.
Well, maybe he was. But if he suffered from the delusion of his own immortality his action might reflect the hope of reward rather than the fear of dissolution. And that hope of reward, let us remember, is indeed a figment of religious conviction. Which shows, I suppose, that religious belief can influence behavior. Would the Aztecs have practiced human sacrifice on such a large scale without the sanction of the divine? Would the Muslims and the Christians and the Jews have fought so bitterly for so many years over a relatively worthless chunk of terrestrial real estate were it not at the behest of dueling deities?
By any rational standard these are not good things. And yet—and yet we are assured that whatever bad things are caused by religion, life without it would be worse. “Without religion this world would be something not fit to be mentioned in polite company, I mean Hell” John Adams wrote to Jefferson. But there’s one hell of a good argument for his first thought in that same letter: “This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it!!!”

25 October 2015

Great Moments in Legislation


T
he meeting was stunned into silence when Dr. Lillian M. Lang, Portland osteopathic physician, waved a surgeon's scalpel over her head and urged the best way to treat sex offenders, particularly those guilty of sodomy, was to “cut out their illness.” She gave the scalpel to Committee Chairman Rep. Norman Howard, D-Portland, and said she had also sent one to Gov. Mark O. Hatfield, advising how to use it to cure sex offenders.—“Bill Asks Sex Crime Data Swap,” Portland Oregonian, 21 February 1963, p. 1

13 October 2015

Old Mother Westwind Revisited


I
t was morning in the brown wasteland, and jolly round red Mr. Sun was doing his best to shine through the gray pall, as he did every morning. Old Mother Westwind hurried out from her home behind the Distant Ruins, to set her merry little Breezes loose in the Black Forest, and in the Brown Wasteland.
All the little folks of the Wasteland hurried about their business. Peter Rabbit cautiously poked his head out of his hole and sniffed the air. Little Oscar Chipmink ran to and fro in the tree-tops, cursing the absence of his favorite mutant acorns, which had been carried off by Sammy Jay the day before.
But there was one animal who was not awake. Grandfather Frog was sleeping. Yes sir, old Grandfather Frog was asleep, with his eyes closed and his hands folded over his yellow waistcoat. One of the Merry Little Breezes blew a foolish green fly right past his nose, and he didn’t so much as stir. Little Oscar Chipmink threw a walnut at the old tire he was sitting on, but not even that was enough to make him open his eyes. Old Grandfather Frog was asleep, and dreaming of the days when the world was young, and there were other frogs in the world.—After Thornton W. Burgess

12 October 2015

A Columbus Day Recollection


T
he Columbus Day Storm took place fifty-three years ago. I meant to write something about it back in 2012, on the fiftieth anniversary, but things have been chaotic for me for the past several years. Here I just want to put down a few memories of what happened, mainly written in 1993, just for the record.
I can remember coming home from school that day. I was in sixth grade at John Rogers school in Vancouver, Washington, and my brothers were in fifth and second. At 2:30 the first and second graders got to go home, but the end of the day came for the rest of us at 3:15. My brother and I went home along 18th Street with some friends. The wind was coming in strange fitful gusts, as it sometimes does in the autumn, and there seemed to be an extra energy to the day, though that may have been because it was a Friday, and we had the weekend coming.
My brother and I would have gone up Todd Road to Fourth Plain where our house stood, a vacant lot with several Douglas firs on it to its west, and a gravel pit to its east. A dirt road ran along the edge of our property between it and the gravel pit; we used to race our bicycles there. There was a place where a fir grew on the gravel pit side and an old apple tree on ours; an imaginary line between them served as the finish line for our races. The remains of an old outbuilding of some kind stood there, one wall relatively intact but fallen to one side, berries growing around it. My brother and I, after we got home from school, must have gone out back to play.
At least the next scene I actually remember comes from that afternoon, not long before sunset. I was outside, playing some game with my brothers and a neighbor. The wind was blowing strongly, more than usual, and it made me feel zippy. It comes to me now; I remember jumping with the wind to feel it give me a boost; I don’t know if it really did, but it sure seemed as if it did. Suddenly the sky took on the strangest color; I remember it as a sickly green to the west. As others who saw it described it as an orange light to the east, I suspect the west may only have looked green by contrast, but I write here what I remember, even when I have doubts of its strict accuracy. It wasn’t long after that that my mother called us in for supper; it wasn’t ready yet, but we couldn’t stay out till it was. She told our friend that he needed to go home. Now. Something about a big wind coming.
I know I didn’t take it that seriously; I thought my mother was being over-cautious. I remember that as a feeling, not as a concrete thought. I suppose I was having too good a time outside on a windy Friday to want to give it up, really.
I don’t remember dinner. I think we had it before the storm hit, but I really don’t remember. I do remember sitting in the living-room, listening to the Nutcracker and doing some math homework, when the power started going fitfully out. (I can’t help but wonder now about that math homework; I never did homework on a Friday. But that’s how I recall it.) By about the third time the Sugar Plum Fairy (or was it the Reed Pipes?) came grinding to a halt I took the needle off the record, but didn’t put the record away, expecting to resume playing as soon as the power came back on. But the next time it went off, it went off for good. We didn’t get it back for nearly two weeks.
Things got pretty wild outside before we lost the twilight altogether. We all grouped up in the living-room and watched and listened as various improbable object blew about, hitting the windows and banging the roof. Pieces of shingle and twigs from trees seemed to be most of it, though there were other things, too. Our two cats, March and Jamie, were safe inside, but not happy about the situation. They went wandering around the house wailing like banshees, though I think Jamie gave that up fairly quickly in favor of hiding somewhere. March wouldn’t settle down; she seemed to feel that somebody should be doing something.
Then darkness closed in, and we could only hear what was happening, not see it. We heard trees go down, some frighteningly close, but fortunately none of them fell on us. At one point my father went out into the fury to help somebody out; I don’t know why. I looked out through the glass on the living-room door; a flash of light showed one of our apple-trees in the process of going over, its roots torn out of the ground.
Apparently the storm was declining by 8:00, though I could have sworn it must have lasted until about midnight. The winds went on blowing through the night; I know that; I remember quite distinctly the sound the fir limb made as it scraped the roof over my head in my bedroom that night, something it had never done before, but continued to do from then on. But it surely must have been after the worst had blown by when my father brought in an ancient battery radio with a glowing eye, to see if we could get some news. There were no local stations on; the best we could do was KSL in Salt Lake City, and it only mentioned us in the most general of terms, saying that there was a storm going on in the Northwest. I think we finally did get some news that the storm had passed, because I think that was when my mother sent us up to bed. I was very reluctant; it was dark and scary up there, but I went. It took me a long time to get to sleep, though.
The next day we went out and surveyed the damage. Some of the Douglas firs on the vacant lot next door had gone down and at least one of them was partially blocking Fourth Plain Road. The leaning wall of the old outbuilding in the back yard now lay flat to the opposite side; the wind had flipped it over. The fir tree by the gravel-pit road had come down across our apple tree and both were inextricably entangled nearby. The entire yard was covered in debris.
We started cleaning up, though the process took weeks. One of the oddities of the storm was that our phone never went out, and at some point I talked to my best friend, whom I had last seen just before the storm when we walked home from school. He told me that his father (who worked for the phone company) had been out all night repairing damage to the lines. He’d called before the storm hit to say that a hurricane was coming. I asked what they’d done, and he told me that his mother had called all the family together, and then gone out and closed the garage door.
School started again on Tuesday, after power had been fully restored throughout Vancouver, according to news outlets. Apparently our neighborhood didn’t count; houses along our section of Fourth Plain and the adjacent streets were electricity free until Tuesday a week later, by which time we were getting fairly well used to candles, Coleman lanterns, and portable gas stoves. During that week somebody working for the gravel pit people considerately removed the fallen trees from our back yard, apparently under the impression that our back yard was part of the gravel pit. With all the debris about it was probably hard to tell the difference. Less considerately, some car skidded off the road and took out our phone, finally—though, as it was an easy repair, it was back in service a couple of days later.
My cat, March, had made her presence felt throughout the storm and its aftermath, but my brother’s cat, Jamie, had disappeared, and was gone long enough to worry us a bit. I don’t know what corner of the house he had hidden out in, but he didn’t emerge from it until the storm was safely passed and we were sifting through the debris. Abruptly he was once again among us, nonchalant and wondering about the feeding arrangements in this new post-storm order. I don’t think he approved of the storm, exactly, but he didn’t seem traumatized by it either. I suppose that went for all of us, come to think of it.
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