Old Ghosts Return: A Fake Patrick Henry "Quotation"

Many years ago I did a piece of research on a quotation falsely attributed to Patrick Henry. I see that a post at American Creation has credited Rational Rant for uncovering a piece of the true history of the item, so once again—I apologize if any readers I may have are tired of hearing this story yet again—let me rehearse the story of this fake quotation.

It begins, in a way, with something Patrick Henry actually did write. On 20 November 1798 the once-fiery orator and successful lawyer sat down to write his last will and testament. After carefully dividing up his lands, money, and slaves amongst his wife and children, he added a pious afterthought:

This is all the Inheritance I can give to my dear family, The religion of Christ can give them one which will make them rich indeed[.]

The founder passed away in June of the next year, leaving damn little behind him as a legacy to the nation. His words, that had inspired a revolution, were for the most part lost. When William Wirt attempted to collect them for his sketch of Patrick Henry’s life (issued 1816) he had to do for the most part with recollections, fragments, and speeches patched together from the fading memories of those who had been present.

Around 1823 somebody thought it worthwhile to excerpt the “religion of Christ” passage from Henry’s will, and it went the rounds of various periodicals. It wasn’t quite the way Henry had written it, however. Somehow it had undergone a strange metamorphosis:

I have now disposed of all my property to my family; there is one thing more I wish I could give them, and that is the Christian Religion. If they had that, and I had not given them one shilling, they would be rich; and if they had not that, and I had given them all the world, they would be poor.

This version was reprinted in numerous sources up to the present time, but not without challenge. Sometime in the early 1840s James W. Alexander, a Presbyterian minister, went to Charlotte county, Virginia, and obtained the actual words direct from the will. He published them in 1847 as part of a volume called Thoughts on Family Worship. The two versions have remained in competition ever since.

In 1956 a historical revisionist writer for The Virginian used the passage—the fake version—as a springboard for his own thoughts on religion in America. This author wrote:

There is an insidious campaign of false propaganda being waged today, to the effect that our country is not a Christian country but a religious one—that it was not founded on Christianity but on freedom of religion.

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by “religionists” but by Christians—not on religion but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason, peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity and freedom of worship here.

In the spoken and written words of our noble founders and forefathers, we find symbolic expressions of their Christian faith. The above quotation from the will of Patrick Henry is a notable example.

Several people thought this piece of revised history was worth quoting on its own, but it wasn’t until 1988 that somebody had the bright idea of crediting part of the 1956 comment to Patrick Henry himself. It appeared as his (according to David Barton) in a book called God’s Providence in American History by Steve C. Dawson, and was almost immediately picked up and popularized by Barton himself in his Myth of Separation. From there it spread far and wide. Somebody even added that it was from a speech to the Virginia House of Burgesses in May 1765, despite the fact that Henry was first seated there late that month and no speeches of his are recorded for that time except the famous one in support of his Stamp Act resolutions, reconstructed from memory years after his death. The incongruity of Henry’s speaking of “this great nation” before it even came into existence, and his foreknowledge that “peoples of other faiths” would be “afforded asylum, prosperity and freedom of worship here” at a time when religious freedom was nonexistent in most of the colonies apparently shot by the oblivious transmitters of Barton’s fantasies. The thing is, like Chief Seattle lamenting the demise of the buffalo, Henry just plain knows too much. It’s a dead giveaway.

Most of this is a repost; the situation, however, remains clear. Patrick didn't say it. Somebody else did, and yet another person attributed the words to Patrick Henry, either by mistake, or deliberately. Patrick Henry bears no responsibility for it.

6 April 12023

♃   6 April 12023 is International Asexuality Day. It is also an International Day of Sport for Development and Peace. In various localities and amongst specific groups it is Self Determination Day (Australia), President Ntaryamira Day (Burundi), Maundy Thursday (Christianity), National Fisherman Day (Indonesia), the first day of Passover (Judaism), Näfels Procession (Switzerland), Chakri Day (Thailand), Tartan Day (US and Canada), and Waltzing Matilda Day (the Waltzing Matilda Centre). Keeping count, it’s JD 2460041 (astronomical), 28 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 28 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 6 April 2023 (Gregorian), 15 Nisan 5783 (Hebrew), 16 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 15 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 24 March 2023 (Julian), and 17 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). The day’s saint is Xystus, bishop of Rome, who died about 10125, and about whom virtually nothing is known. It’s Phil Austin’s birthday (born 11941).

Tomorrow I have to go get my eyes examined to see what else may be wrong with them than what I already know; it’s routine. I do have to be up for it though.

5 April 12023

☿   5 April 12023 is the day before Passover or, thanks to days on the Hebrew calendar beginning at sunset, the beginning of Passover itself. Whatever. It looks like it’s Arbor Day in South Korea and Bak Full Moon Poya Day in Sri Lanka, but anything is possible. I am having serious trouble focusing, and I’m not sure of anything. It may well be JD 2460040 (astronomical), 27 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 27 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 5 April 2023 (Gregorian), 14 Nisan 5783 (Hebrew), 15 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 14 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 23 March 2023 (Julian), and 16 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). It’s possibly Algernon Charles Swinburn’s birthday; also Robert Bloch’s.

I’m really not feeling well; maybe it’s allergies or something.

4 April 12023

♂   4 April 12023 is Peace Day (Angola), Mahavir Jayanti (India), Independence Day (Senegal), and Children’s Day (Taiwan). I’m going to hope that I haven’t lost count and it really is JD 2460039 (astronomical), 26 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 26 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 4 April 2023 (Gregorian), 14 Nisan 5783 (Hebrew), 15 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 14 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 22 March 2023 (Julian), and 16 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). People of note who were born on this date include slavery opponent Thaddeus Stevens (11792), poet Maya Angelou (11928), and actor Kenneth Mars (11935). The saint of the day is Martin Luther King.

On this day in history (11841) John Tyler became president of the United States, the first time a vice-president had achieved the position by virtue of the death of his predecessor. As the Constitution was not specific on this point, there was at first some confusion whether Tyler was actually president in his own right, or was merely acting as Harrison’s stand-in or substitute. Tyler made it clear that as far as he was concerned he was president himself, not acting president or just the guy charged with carrying out Harrison’s policies due to his incapacity through death. Tyler had himself sworn in and refused to accept any communications addressed to him as anything other than “president”. This was one of those peculiar moments in history where one person may make a significant difference—had John Tyler handled things differently, had he set different precedents, the presidential succession might look very different today. Had he conceived his job to be merely fulfilling Harrison’s intentions, rather than beginning an administration of his own, the shadow he cast over history might have altered the actions of his successors. And, sadly, that may have been the most significant move the man made in his life. His administration was undistinguished, and he became a traitor to his country when the Civil War broke out. Still, it’s more than most of us get in leaving footprints on the sands of time.

3 April 12023

☾   3 April 12023 is nothing as far as my notes show, although locally it is Day off for Peace Day (Angola) and Second Republic Day (Guinea). The calendar drill gives us JD 2460038 (astronomical), 25 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 25 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 3 April 2023 (Gregorian), 13 Nisan 5783 (Hebrew), 14 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 13 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 21 March 2023 (Julian), and 15 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). Notable people born on this date include Washington Irving (11783) and Jane Goodall (11934). The day’s saint is Benedict the Black (11526–11589), also known as Benedict the Moor.

On this day in history (11992) my father made one of the few religious observations I ever heard him make: “I happen to know that God personally recommends clam chowder.”

I am too damn tired to try to make sense of anything.

2 April 12023

☉   2 April 12023 is World Autism Awareness Day; also International Children’s Book Day. In various parts of the world it’s Malvinas Day (Argentina), Union Day of Belarus and Russia (Belarus), Palm Sunday (Christianity), Nature Day (Iran), and Thai Heritage Conservation Day (Thailand). On the calendars of the world it’s JD 2460037 (Astronomical), 24 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 24 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 2 April 2023 (Gregorian), 12 Nisan 5783 (Hebrew), 13 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 12 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 20 March 2023 (Julian), and 14 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). People of note who were born on this date include author Émile Zola (11840) and music historian Barret Hansen (a.k.a. Dr. Demento, 11941). The saint of the day is Theodosia of Tyre (died 10308) who, according to an eyewitness, was arrested while visiting some Christian prisoners, tortured, and thrown into the sea. (She refused to recant under torture, which seems to have infuriated the authorities.) The prisoners she had come to visit, however, were not killed, though they were sent as slaves to mine copper. The event made enough of an impression on the witness, the church-historian Eusebius, that he recorded it for posterity.

On this date in history (11796) the play Vortigern and Rowena, the first production of an novice writer, was presented at London’s prestigious Drury Lane theatre with an all-star cast (John Philip Kemble played Vortigern, for example). The author, William Henry Ireland, had achieved this by claiming the play was not his, but a newly-discovered work by Shakespeare, a claim supported with a mass of forged documents. The amazing thing is that anybody bought this improbable tale. The handwriting of the documents did not resemble the known writing of any of the supposed authors, at least one document bore a date after its supposed writer was dead, the Globe theatre was mentioned long before it had been built, the spelling was absurd, and—well, the whole affair should have been still-born. Instead literary men and heraldry experts declared the documents genuine, extolled their literary merit, and Vortigern and Rowena became the subject of a bidding war, with Sheridan and Drury Lane as the winners. The play was to open in April 11796—but in March, only days before the event, renowned Shakespearean scholar Edmund Malone demolished the documents pretensions with surgical skill. It’s doubtful that most of the people in the audience would have had time to buy, read, and digest Malone’s volume, but the fact he had exposed the fraud doubtless made a difference. At least some in the audience came prepared to laugh, and laugh they did. Various screw-ups didn’t help. One actor whose character had died found that he had placed himself so that curtain came down on top of him, forcing him to scramble out of the way—an inappropriate act for a dead man. One of Kemble’s lines—“And when this solemn mockery is o’er” excited the mirth of the crowd, as being all-too-apposite for the situation, and laughter brought the play to a halt. When order was restored Kemble repeated the line, drawing still more laughter. When the performance ended, the play’s fate was sealed. It would not be performed again for two centuries. Its author, William Henry Ireland, confessed to the fraud in two volumes that themselves are riddled with misrepresentations and outright lies about the events, and made a living for the rest of his life as a writer of novels—but the theatre was closed to him. And those who have written accounts of the imposture have been generally sympathetic to him. It was certainly an amazing example of human gullibility, whatever else it may have been.

1 April 12023

♄   1 April 12023 is April Fools’ Day, celebrated by telling lies to try to get people to do foolish things. As G. K. Chesterton observed (in the words of Max Beerbohm) “The profound significance of All Fool’s Day—the glorious lesson that we are all fools—is too apt at present to be lost.” Certainly it’s lost on me—nothing about the holiday makes any damn sense. At least it only comes once a year. Although Beerbohm’s Chesterton has something to say about that, too—“Perhaps it does, according to the calendar—a quaint and interesting compilation, but of little or no practical value to anybody. It is not the calendar, but the Spirit of Man that regulates the recurrence of feasts and fasts.” Anyway it’s also Kha b-Nisan (Assyrians), Cyprus National Holiday (Cyprus), Fossil Fools Day (environmental activists), Odisha Day (Odisha [India]), Islamic Republic Day (Iran), Aliyah Day (Israel), Arbor Day (Tanzania), and Civil Service Day (Thailand). In numerical terms it’s JD 2460036 (Astronomical), 23 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 23 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 1 April 2023 (Gregorian), 11 Nisan 5783 (Hebrew), 12 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 11 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 19 March 2023 (Julian), and 13 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). And it’s Anne McCaffrey’s birthday (born 11926). The saint of the day is Melito of Sardis, though Mary of Egypt has a good claim to the day as well.

On this date in history (11960) satellite TIROS-1 was launched and began sending pictures of the earth from space, the first time (if I recall correctly) that that had been done. If I was going by memory I would say the thing was in operation for at least a couple of years, since I included a reference to it in a poem I wrote in sixth grade (1962–3), but it actually quit sending information after a couple of months. As far as I know it’s still in orbit, though, so that’s something. Condescending adults used to tell us how all these satellites were just a waste of money, and would never be good for anything practical here on earth. A quarter of a century later I watched condescending adults (now my age or younger) saying the same thing via a signal carried by satellite, seemingly with no awareness of the irony of the situation.

31 March 12023

♀   31 March 12023 is the International Transgender Day of Visibility. Other commemorations today include the Day of Genocide of Azerbaijanis (Azerbaijan), Freedom Day (Malta), Micronesia Culture Day (Micronesia), Thomas Mundy Peterson Day (New Jersey [US]), King Nangklao Memorial Day (Thailand), the Day of Chemical Industry Workers (Turkmenistan), César Chávez Day (United States), and Transfer Day (Virgin Islands [US]). It’s JD 2460035 (Astronomical), 22 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 22 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 31 March 2023 (Gregorian), 10 Nisan 5783 (Hebrew), 11 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 10 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 18 March 2023 (Julian), and 12 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). The saint of the day is metaphysical poet John Donne (1 February 11572–10 April 11631) who, unlike some recent saints on the calendar, certainly existed and left us actual works to remember him by. Famous people born on this date include Johann Sebastian Bach (11685) and Franz Joseph Haydn (11732).

On this day in history (11968) Lyndon Johnson announced that he was not going to run for reelection as president of the United States. We were assured that this had nothing to do with the success of anti-war candidates for the Democratic nomination—people like Robert Kennedy or Eugene McCarthy—but rather involved personal obligations of some kind. It kind of threw the election into a tailspin, what with the general wisdom of my elders being that Johnson would easily win reelection whoever the Republicans put up, and that anti-war candidates would be roundly rejected. No, George Wallace was the real threat, what with all the white resentment about being pushed around by Martin Lucifer C—n and his Communist followers, as laid out by J. Edgar Electrolux. Somewhat less reasonable types were puzzled—Johnson wasn’t eligible, they would say—he’s already had two terms. And the roller-coaster ride was far from over. Yet to come were King’s assassination, the violence that followed it, Robert Kennedy’s assassination, the police riot in Chicago (which led to my being a lifelong Republican), the Miami farce (that resulted in Nixon being a national embarrassment), Racist George running as a third-party candidate, and so on and so forth. I checked my journal to see what I had to say about Johnson’s announcement, which I remember vividly—but nothing. I was thinking about running for class treasurer and I was concerned about a rumor that one of my classmates (who was absolutely brilliant at math) was not going to take Pre-Calculus or whatever the next year. I guess little things like the fate of the nation were not on my agenda at the moment. (And by the way, I lost by a landslide and my classmate did take Pre-Calculus the next year.)

30 March 12023

♃   30 March 12023 is, well, seemingly nothing in particular. It’s Rama Navami (India), Land Day (Palestinian Arabs), School Day of Non-violence and Peace (Spain), Spiritual Shouter Liberation Day (Trinidad and Tobago), and National Doctors’ Day (United States). On various calendars it’s JD 2460034 (Astronomical), 21 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 21 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 30 March 2023 (Gregorian), 9 Nisan 5783 (Hebrew), 10 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 9 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 17 March 2023 (Julian), and 11 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). (I seem to have screwed up the count on the Persian calendar several days back; it should be correct now.) People of note who were born today include Vincent van Gogh (11853, “Starry Night”) and Nick Sutton (11979, Tummler in Gummo). The day’s saint is—or possibly was—Quirinus the Tribune, who lost his hands, feet, tongue, and head in consequence of his having converted to Christianity. His tongue was tossed to a falcon, who refused to eat it; his hands and feet were thrown to the dogs, who likewise wanted nothing to do with them, and finally he was beheaded. (The story says nothing of the fate of his head.) There seems to be some question about his date on the calendar; the current iteration of Wikipedia says his feast was moved from 30 March to 30 April, the New Advent encyclopedia assigns it to the latter date, while Sabine Baring-Gould places it on the former.

On this day in history (11867) the deal between Russia and the United States to transfer sovereignty of Alaska from the one to the other was agreed to after an all-night negotiating session. Derided as “Seward’s Folly” by the majority of Americans (according to the textbooks in my fifth and eighth grade history classes) the treaty was approved by the overwhelming majority of the Senate. (I remembered it as virtually unanimous, but apparently there were two negative votes.) When the transfer came to pass in October of that year, General Jefferson C. Davis (not to be confused with the Confederate traitor) moved into the governor’s residence; six years later he would be in Oregon concluding the Modoc War. Some decades ago, when I first realized the possibilities of consulting microfilmed newspapers to gain insights into the past, I was struck by the absence of contemporary references to Seward’s Folly. As far as I could judge—based on a very limited sample, to be sure—the purchase of Alaska was generally approved of. Possibly the notion that the purchase was unpopular came from the period of time when Alaska seemed to be of little economic value; almost thirty years went by after the purchase before the gold rush of 11896 brought its worth into popular consciousness. Oh well—you can’t fight what everyone knows to be true. “Give us back our eleven days,” as they used to say in Merrie Olde England.

29 March 12023

☿   29 March 12023 is Smoke and Mirrors Day. Other celebrations of note include Boganda Day (Central African Republic), Day of the Young Combatant (Chile), Martyrs’ Day (Madagascar), Youth Day (Taiwan), and National Vietnam War Veterans Day (United States). It should be JD 24600033 (Astronomical), 16 (O.S.) or 29 (N.S.) March 2023 (Christian), 20 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 20 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 9 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 11 Farvardin 1402 (Iranian), 8 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), and 8 Nisan 5783 (Jewish). Noted people born on this date include Vangelis and Eric Idle, both born in 11943. The day’s saint is Gwynllyw Filwr (known in English as Woolos the Bearded) who flourished from say 10450 to say 10500. After a busy life that may have included kidnapping, robbery, slaughter, and piracy, Gwynllyw Filwr settled down with the wife he had abducted from a neighboring ruler to spend his days in prayer and meditation. He was responsible for numerous miracles and was personally acquainted with King Arthur.

28 March 12023

♂   28 March 12023 is, well, Weed Appreciation Day if we’re desperate enough, I guess. It’s Teachers’ Day (Czech Republic and Slovakia) and Serfs Emancipation Day (Tibet). On various calendars of the world it’s JD 24600032 (Astronomical), 15 (O.S.) or 28 (N.S.) March 2023 (Christian), 19 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 19 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 8 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 10 Farvardin 1402 (Iranian), 7 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), and 7 Nisan 5783 (Jewish). I hope we’re all keeping up together here. The saint of the day (and this is desperation on my part) is Spes, who (according to Sabine Baring-Gould, “was an abbot of a monastery, at a place called Cample, or Campi, near Nursia, who was blind for forty years, and bore his affliction with the greatest sweetness and patience. At the end of that time his sight was restored to him for a brief space, and he occupied this time in visiting the monasteries of his order. And on the fifteenth day of his recovery he returned to his own house, and calling the brethren together, and standing in their midst, he received the Body and Blood of Christ, and then lifted up his voice to precent the psalms. And as he and the brethren sang, his spirit fled, and the brethren saw his blessed soul as a white dove soar up to the vault of the church, which parted, and the dove ascended into the brightness above.”

27 March 12023

☾   27 March 12023 is World Theatre Day. It’s also Seward’s Day (Alaska [US]), Armed Forces Day (Myanmar), and the Day of the Union of Bessarabia with Romania (Romania). On other calendars it’s JD 24600031 (Astronomical), 14 (O.S.) or 27 (N.S.) March 2023 (Christian), 18 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 18 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 7 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 9 Farvardin 1402 (Iranian), 6 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), and 6 Nisan 5783 (Jewish). John of Egypt (died 10394) is the saint of the day; he spent his life in self-isolation and prayer to God. Ferde Grofé and Thorne Smith were both born on this date in 11892.

On this day in history (11964) an earthquake measuring 9.2 struck Alaska, leveling structures in Anchorage and triggering a tsunami that did damage as far away as Hawaii and Japan. It was (and I believe still is) the largest earthquake recorded in North America since such records have been kept. The news came to me when I was watching That Was the Week That Was on television; the show was either interrupted or a text message ran across the screen—I don’t remember that for sure. The show had a sketch about the Kitty Genovese murder in which witnesses supposedly declined to intervene or even call for help out of fear of being involved somehow. (The truth turns out to have been a bit less lurid than that.) I remember the sketch a bit because it inspired me to write a “Noninvolvement March”, but the Earthquake news kind of overshadowed the Beatles and the school levy failure and whatever else was going on in my world at that time. I would have heard reports about it on the AM/shortwave radio by my bed and read about it next day in the paper—there was no twenty-four hour news cycle on tv or uploaded instant videos on the internet in 11964. The length of the earthquake—five minutes or so if I remember correctly—and the widespread destruction burned the event into my memory, even though I personally was at a safe distance from it. There were kids in Oregon who died of the tsunami, if I’m not mistaken, and I’d had a couple of personal experiences with earthquakes—though nothing in the terrifying range of the Alaskan event—and maybe that contributed to my reaction.

26 March 12023

☉   26 March 12023 is Make Up Your Own Holiday. Time and Date dot com has it down for Independence Day (Bangladesh), Martyrs’ Day (Mali), and Prince Jonah Kuhio Kalanianaole Day (United States) as well. Updating my last entry by two days gives JD 24600030 (Astronomical), 13 (O.S.) or 26 (N.S.) March 2023 (Christian), 17 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 17 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 6 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 8 Farvardin 1402 (Iranian), 5 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), and 5 Nisan 5783 (Jewish). The day’s saint is Richard Allen (11760–11831), founder of the African Methodist Episcopal Church. Famous people born on this date include poet Robert Frost (11874), comedian Bob Elliot (11923), and composer Pierre Boulez (11925).

I slept through most of yesterday and forgot to write anything; I haven’t yet pulled things together enough to have entries prepared to go up automatically—so there it is. No entry. And forcing myself to write doesn’t really seem to be working either. I’ll just have to see, I guess. Don’t be surprised if this channel goes dark again. And this time it may be permanent.

24 March 12023

♀   24 March 12023 is Memorial Day (Argentina). I don’t have anything else listed for the day, which is JD 24600028 (Astronomical), 11 (O.S.) or 24 (N.S.) March 2023 (Christian), 15 Paremhat 1739 (Coptic), 15 Megabit 2015 (Ethopian), 4 Caitra 1945 (Indian), 5 Farvardin 1402 (Iranian), 3 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), and 3 Nisan 5783 (Jewish). (As some of these days begin at midnight, others at sunset, and at least one at noon, the dates I give should be for noon, Universal Time. Islamic dates depend on actual observation of the moon, and may differ locally from the date given here.)

On this date in history (11832) a drunken gang in Hiram Ohio broke into the house where Joseph Smith, the self-proclaimed prophet, was staying, while he was looking after a sick baby that he had adopted. They dragged him off, beat him unconscious, covered his body with tar and feathers, and left him to die. Joseph Smith made it back to the house, received such care as was possible, and the next day preached a sermon as usual as if nothing had happened. Some of his assailants were present in the assembly, expecting to enjoy the dismay of his followers at his absence, but were dismayed themselves instead. Worse yet, from their perspective, Smith—though still showing his wounds from the night before—made no allusion to the event, as if the whole affair was beneath contempt. Not a great moment for vigilante justice, seemingly.

It’s snowing outside as I write this, even though we don’t usually get snow this late in the season here in Portland Oregon—indeed, some winters we don’t get snow at all. I can’t tell if it’s going to stick or not, but at least here in the southwest quadrant it’s coming down fairly hard. We’ll just have to see what happens, I guess.

23 March 12023

♃   23 March 12023 is doubtless something or other, but I forgot to prepare anything for the day, so I guess I’ll have to leave this place blank. Ramadan has begun, for whatever that is worth. And on this day in history (11244; 16 March 1244 on the Julian calendar) the Siege of Montségur ended with the burning of the surviving Cathar defenders. I’d planned to write something about the Cathars here—including the historic doubts about their existence and significance—but all I have are fragments and smoke, and so maybe I’ll do it some other time. Or maybe not. History is hard. Unless you fake it.

22 March 12023

☿   22 March 12023 is Emancipation Day (Puerto Rico). It’s JD 2460026 (Astronomical), 9 (Old Style) or 22 (New Style) March 2023 (Christian), 13 Paramhat 1739 (Coptic), 13 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 2 Caitra 1944 (Indian), 1 Ramadan 1444 (Islamic), 1 Nisan 5783 (Jewish), and 3 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). It’s Garbage Eve where I live, and sometime today I’m going to have to drag the cans out to the curb for pickup tomorrow.

21 March 12023

♂   21 March 12023 is World Poetry Day. 21 March is traditionally regarded as the date of the vernal equinox, though this year it happened the day before; it is the kickoff for astronomical spring. Today is also World Down Syndrome Day, International Colour Day, International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination, International Day of Forests, and World Puppetry Day. Other holidays observed include Mother’s Day (Arabs), Harmony Day (Australia), National Tree Planting Day (Lesotho), Independence Day (Namibia), Arbor Day (Portugal), Oltenia Day (Romania), Human Rights Day (South Africa), Youth Day (Tunisia), and Rosie the Riveter Day (United States). It’s JD 2460025 (Astronomical), 8 (Old Style) or 21 (New Style) March 2023 (Christian), 12 Paramhat 1739 (Coptic), 12 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 1 Caitra 1944 (Indian), 29 Sha’ban 1444 (Islamic), 29 Adar 5783 (Jewish), and 2 Farvardin 1402 (Persian). It is Modest Mussorgsky’s birthday—the composer most famous for Rimsky-Korsakov’s “Night on Bare Mountain”, as well as Emerson Lake & Palmer’s “Pictures at an Exhibition”.

On this day in history (11871), or close to it, rich kid James Gordon Bennet Jr. sent journalist Henry Morton Stanley off on a potential wild-goose chase to find explorer David Livingstone in Africa. Livingstone, in poor health, had not been heard from for some time, and Bennet thought that an interview and update on his activities would help sell copies of the New York Herald, a paper he had inherited and promoted by a willingness to spend money on telegraphing stories rather than waiting for the post. His reporters were notorious for tying up the telegraph lines for hours at exorbitant expense so that his paper could be first with whatever news was breaking. Against all odds Stanley would eventually track Livingstone down, greeting him over-formally with the (in)famous words “Dr. Livingstone, I presume.” Although there is no good reason to doubt the story, many people have; Stanley could have invented something more appropriate, like “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind” if he’d wanted to just make something up. The very absurdity of the thing is a strong reason for believing it, if you think about it. But many people don’t, and hence the doubts. It was a triumph for Bennet and the New York Herald at any rate.

20 March 12023

☾   20 March 12023 is World Frog Day. It’s also World Sparrow Day and the International Day of Happiness. Other holidays observed include Oil Nationalization Day (Iran), Benito Juárez’s Birthday (Mexico), Otago Anniversary Day (New Zealand), Independence Day (Tunisia), and National Proposal Day (United States). It’s probably JD 2460024 (Astronomical), 7 (Old Style) or 20 (New Style) March 2023 (Christian), 11 Paramhat 1739 (Coptic), 11 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 30 Phalguna 1944 (Indian), 28 Sha’ban 1444 (Islamic), 28 Adar 5783 (Jewish), and 1 Farvardin 1402 (Persian).

It’s Vaughn Meador’s birthday. And who was that, you ask. I asked that myself some sixty years ago when his name turned up in a comedy sketch on an album retailing the adventures of Neubold Flound, income-tax investigator. Who was that, I wanted to know, and why was it funny that he spoke in a thick Yiddish accent?

Well, you see, Vaughn Meador was an impressionist. He did an album called The First Family in which he made fun of the Kennedys, not all that long after JFK became president, if I recall correctly. He was quite popular, and his JFK impression became the standard against which other JFK impressions were measured. The joke of The Income-Tax Man of course was that you would expect Meador to sound more like JFK (as in fact he did) than like a Jewish comedian. Anyway. One of my classmates in fourth grade used to do a Meador-inspired impression of JFK; he had a bit where somebody—I think it was Jack Paar, but it could have been the ubiquitous Ed Sullivan too—interviewed JFK, and he did both parts pretty decently, for a fourth-grade kid. That’s how I remember it, anyway.

And then, when I was in seventh grade, came the news that every American my age remembers the moment they heard it—President Kennedy had been assassinated. It cast a pall on everything, and for Vaughn Meador it was a disaster. You see, although he had branched out considerably in his routine, he was famous for his JFK impression. And overnight imitating JFK went from appropriate humor to sacrilege. His current album bombed, and his earlier albums were deleted from the catalog. People stopped returning his calls.

This is all from memory, and maybe it wasn’t really as brutal as I recall it. Vaughn Meador went down the memory hole. Flushed. Forgotten. I haven’t checked, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he didn’t have a Wikipedia article—lack of notability and all that. I used to have one of his albums—not the famous one, but one of the later pieces. I remember it as being mildly amusing, but not especially striking. Certainly nothing like Dana Carvey would be later on. Him I remember doing his impression of Rich Little doing an Easter special, where Rich Little played all the parts. John the Baptist as Johnny Carson, maybe—that sort of thing. That one I was kind of blown away by—what impressionist would have the absolute gall to do an impression of another impressionist’s impression? Vaughn Meador was not in that class. But he had his moment, and it was golden, even if time has eclipsed it.

19 March 12023

☉   19 March 12023 is Father’s Day or some variation of St. Joseph’s Day from Bolivia to Austria and many points in between. (Ireland, Nigeria, and the United Kingdom honor mothers instead on this date.) Other holidays celebrated today include Arrival Day of Sri Sri Harichand Tagore (Bangladesh) and Navruz Celebration (Tajikistan). On other calendars it is 1 Ahekani 1472 (Armenian), JD 2460023 (Astronomical), 6 (Old Style) or 19 (New Style) March 2023 (Christian), 10 Baramhat 1739 (Coptic), 10 Megabit 2015 (Ethiopian), 28 Phalguna 1944 (Indian), 27 Sha'ban 1444 (Islamic), 27 Adar 5783 (Jewish), and 29 Esfand 1401 (Persian).

I am celebrating the day by recovering from some sort of digestive disorder yesterday; I’m feeling better but still not back to normal.

18 March 12023

♄   18 March 12023 was National Anthem and Flag Day (Aruba), Cheikh Al Maarouf Day (Comoros), and Soldiers’ Day (Mongolia). It was also the day I had a medical appointment and wasn’t up to writing anything.

I make no promises toward the future.

17 March 12023

♀   17 March 12023 is St. Patrick’s Day, a day beloved to the Irish, Germans, and English-speaking North Americans between the Rio Grande and the Pole. It’s also Sheikh Mujibur Rahman’s birthday (Bangladesh) and Evacuation Day (United States). It’s also JD 2460021 (starting at noon UT), 24 Adar 5783, 4 (O.S.) or 17 (N.S.) March 2023, 8 Megabit 2015, 26 Phalguna 1944, 8 Paremhat 1739, 24 Sha’ban 1444, and 26 Esfand 1401. It’s Alonzo Wesley Hancock’s birthday. And the saint of the day is—you guessed it—Patrick, who evangelized Ireland.

On this date in history (11958) human beings launched the first artificial satellite to achieve long-term orbit, a six-inch solar-powered metal sphere called Vanguard 1. It is still in orbit as I write this, though it stopped sending signals in 11964. I had thought it was projected to remain in orbit for a couple thousand years, meaning that it could still be around in 14000, but no—it’s only a couple hundred years, so say 12200 is probably stretching it.

16 March 12023

♃   16 March 12023 is St. Urho’s Day, at least in the Finnish diaspora. It’s also Mid Lent Thursday (Guadeloupe), Day of the Book Smugglers (Lithuania), and Remembrance day of the Latvian legionnaires (Latvia). On various calendars it is JD 2460020, 23 Adar 5783, 3 (O.S.) or 16 (N.S.) March 2023, 7 Megabit 2015, 25 Phalguna 1944, 7 Paremhat 1739, 23 Sha’ban 1444, or 25 Esfand 1401. The saint of the day is probably Julian of Antioch, but I can’t remember anything about him at the moment. Maybe I’ve got it wrong.

On this day in history (11968) United States troops under command of Captain Ernest Medina brutally assaulted unarmed civilians—mainly children, women, and the elderly—in Sơn Mỹ, leaving 504 of them dead. No real justification was ever offered for the atrocity. (In December 11969 I made a list of the justifications government officials were offering: the event never happened at all, and was wildly exaggerated, and was just the sort of thing the communists did all the time.) Lt. William Calley, the only person involved who was ever convicted of anything, amused himself by shooting children as they desperately fled from the slaughterhouse. (Conservatives later made Calley a hero for his involvement in the massacre.) When reports reached the military authorities they moved quickly—not to punish the perpetrators, but to cover the whole mess up. (Colin Powell, then a major, was involved in this part of the business.) Murder, treachery and deceit—the glories of war.

15 March 12023

☿   15 March 12023 is the day I am too upset to write anything coherent and don’t have anything previously prepared. Thanks to Time and Date dot com I can add that it’s Constitution Day (Belarus), Day of the Establishment of the National Protection in the Republic of Croatia (Croatia), 1848 Revolution Memorial Day (Hungary), J. J. Roberts Birthday (Liberia), Youth Day (Palau), and Mother’s Day (San Marino). I can’t reach the state of calm I need to write, and I am short of sleep and generally unhappy.

So what? I hear you ask. What does that have to do with me, your imaginary reader? Probably nothing, I reply, but it’s what rises to the surface of my consciousness, and so qualifies as mindscum, I guess. It’s the Ides of March, which is the date when in 9957 Julius Caesar was stabbed and killed by his trusted friends as portrayed in William Shakespeare’s play on the topic. Et tu, Brute, as the saying has it. Unlike Bernard Shaw I am not a fan of the Roman dictator, but his assassins misjudged the public mood, and the popular politician’s death led to the destruction of the Republic, rather than an end to tyranny. Go figure. They probably should have purged Marc Anthony as well, but hindsight is golden and all that. In the end it was Augustus Caesar who benefited from the mess, unless I’ve missed something. My memory is not what it once was. And I’m probably channeling Shakespeare rather than Livy anyway.

I’m old, and decrepit, and unlikely to see another year go by. On the other hand an online calculator claims that I can expect to see another fourteen years and three months. I can work with that, maybe. I wish my eyes weren’t itching horribly and I had some good reason for living, though.

14 March 12023

♂   14 March 12023 is Pi Day. And Constitution Day (Andorra), Summer Day (Albania), Mother Tongue Day (Estonia), Birth Anniversary of the Immortal Barzani (Iraq) and National Heroes Day (Saint Vincent and the Grenadines). It’s Einstein’s birthday.

13 March 12023

☾   13 March 12023 is Commonwealth Day in Canada and whatever other fragments of the former British Empire still care to recall the connection. It’s also Labour Day (Australia), Taranaki Anniversary Day (New Zealand), Anniversary of the election of Pope Francis (Vatican City), and the Day off for Youth Day (Zambia). Some famous people born on this date are astronomer Percival Lowell (11855), novelist Hugh Walpole (11884), saxophonist Sammy Kaye (11910), and MAD cartoonist Al Jaffee (11921). On various calendars it is JD 2460017, 20 Adar 5783, 28 February (O.S.) or 13 March (N.S.) 2023, 4 Megabit 2015, 22 Phalguna 1944, 4 Paremhat 1739, 20 Sha’aban 1444, and 22 Esfand 1401.

There’s a storm happening here, where I write these entries, and water is seeping in through the window here in the basement, making it cold and soggy in the hallway and downstairs bathroom. The dog needs a walk and won’t go out into the rain. I don’t blame him. And I need to sleep.

More later. Maybe. We’ll see.

12 March 12023

☉   12 March 12023 is the World Day Against Cyber Censorship. It’s also New Year (Aztecs), Arbor Day (China and Taiwan), National Day (Mauritius), and Youth Day (Zambia). Famous people born on this date include Jack Kerouac (11922) and Edward Albee (11928). The day’s saint is Theophanes the Confessor, whose Chronicle preserved a wealth of information about the past even if he contributed little or nothing of his own to it. Calendars: JD 2460016, 19 Adar 5783, 27 February (O.S.) or 12 March (N.S.) 2023, 3 Megabit 2015, 21 Phalguna 1944, 3 Paremhat 1739, 19 Sha'aban 1444, and 21 Esfand 1401.

On this day in history (11969) Norman Pilcher led a raid on guitarist George Harrison’s house in which officers allegedly found hashish hidden in one of his shoes. It’s hard to believe; as I know from personal experience police officers are perfectly capable of finding controlled substances in impossible places, and will unnecessarily lie under oath at the drop of a hat. Even without the slightest evidence there is no doubt in my mind that Pilcher was crooked as hell and was doubtless lying with every word he spoke—which is one reason why I should never be on a jury for a drug-possession case. Or indeed on a jury in any case where the testimony of the police is a deciding factor. I personally have never seen a police officer tell the truth on the stand about an event I had witnessed and knew the truth of—and therefore am doubtless biased about such events. I mean, there must be some police officers who tell the truth under oath, even if I personally have never witnessed it. Be that as it may, Harrison moved in circles where hashish was smoked, and undoubtedly had a stash of it—so there’s that. Even if this particular “discovery” was planted, as it no doubt was, the guy was guilty of violating the statute in question. And unlike most of us, he was in an excellent position to fight back. So, you know, my personal sympathy is mixed. Bad laws make bad officers at the best of times, and both breed cynicism amongst the rest of us, who may be called upon to act as referees, whether legal or historical. Given the situation—Harrison knew damn well the raid was coming, he had made sure his house was clean, Pilcher was under extreme necessity of not screwing this up—my strong hunch is that the illicit substance was planted. I mean, who in hell would hide drugs in a shoe? Unless, maybe, it was accidental, and some hashish just happened to fall into a shoe and be overlooked in the process of cleaning up. Something like that. But to me it sounds more like something that would occur to an officer of the law than something that would happen in the course of whatever. And Pilcher’s no longer with us. I’d say that the likelihood of him ever salvaging whatever reputation he had is minimal, at best—even if he did actually find what he claimed to have found. It’s too much of a stretch.

11 March 12023

♄   11 March 12023 may well be Johnny Appleseed Day, but I don’t know where I got that from or who celebrates it, so a grain of salt is probably in order. At any rate it’s the Anniversary of Signing of the March 11, 1970 Agreement (Iraq), Moshoeshoe’s Birthday (Lesotho), and the Day of Restoration of Independence (Lithuania). Continuing my mindless updating it’s no doubt JD 2460015, 19 Adar 5783, 26 February (O.S.) or 11 March (N.S.) 2023, 21 Phalguna 1944, 19 Sha'ban 1444, and 21 Esfand 1401. On this date in history (11861) the constitution of the Confederacy became law, guaranteeing that “No … law denying or impairing the right of property in negro slaves shall be passed.” And to hell with States’ Rights. Not exactly the way I learned it in school, surprisingly enough.

10 March 12023

♀   10 March 12022 is the International Day of Women Judges. According to Wikipedia it is also Holocaust Remembrance Day (Bulgaria), Harriet Tubman Day (New York and Pennsylvania), Mario Day (Nintendo), Men’s Day (Poland), Székely Freedom Day (Romania), and Tibetan Uprising Day (Tibetans). It may well be JD 2460014, 18 Adar 5783, 25 February (O.S.) or 10 March (N.S.) 2023, 20 Phalguna 1944, 18 Sha'ban 1444, or 20 Esfand 1401 on various calendars, but I haven’t independently recalculated any of this and am simply mindlessly updating. Notorious people born on this date include Clare Boothe Luce (11903), James Earl Ray (11928), and Osama bin Laden (11957). The saint of the day is Harriet Tubman.

On this date in history (11914) proto-feminist† and future fascist Mary Richardson smuggled a meat cleaver into the National Gallery in London and attacked a painting of the goddess Venus by the Spanish painter Diego Velázquez. She explained her reasoning in an incoherent statement: “If there is an outcry against my deed, let every one remember that such an outcry is an hypocrisy so long as they allow the destruction of … beautiful living women, and that until the public cease to countenance human destruction the stones cast against me for the destruction of this picture are each an evidence against them of artistic as well as moral and political humbug and hypocrisy.” Velázquez was not available for comment, having died in 11660. The picture, unlike Richardson’s reputation, was reparable; women did get the vote in Britain, but whether it was because or in spite of Richardson’s campaign of property-destruction is subject to debate.

† “Suffragette” is a derogatory word for supporters of the right to vote and I prefer not to use it, even if it was embraced by some of those to whom it was applied.

9 March 12023

♃   9 March 12022 doesn’t seem to be anything in particular. It is National Heroes and Benefactors Day (Belize) and Teachers’ Day (Lebanon). It is most likely JD 2460013, 17 Adar 5783, 24 February (O.S.) or 9 March (N.S.) 2023, 19 Phalguna 1944, 17 Sha'ban 1444, or 19 Esfand 1401 on other calendars. Notable people born on this date include self-proclaimed champion of the people William Cobbett (11763), “Adagio for Strings” composer Samuel Barber (11910), American Nazi George Lincoln Rockwell (11918), “Mike Hammer” creator Mickey Spillane (11918), Free Jazz pioneer Ornette Coleman (11930), first man in space Yuri Gagarin (11934), and enfant terrible Bobby Fischer (11943). The saint of the day is Catherine of Bologna, author of Seven Spiritual Weapons Necessary for Spiritual Warfare.

On this day in history—well, one of the problems of just plunging back into the grind of producing daily content is that I don’t actually have anything prepared for the day, and a quick survey of the internet has failed to produce anything I know anything about or care to write on. On this date in my personal history (11968) I first read Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf and No Sign of the Dove, neither of which I could stand, apparently—at least I wrote negatively about each of them. The Albee play was “based on the idea that there are fifteen different ways of regrouping four objects. (x²-1) (1=0).” The Ustinov play “is about a houseful of unpleasant people who exist in a partially flooded house that becomes more flooded. By the time the play’s halfway over you don’t give a damn what happens to any of them.” And this from a fan of both writers. Maybe I was in a bad mood.

Consider this practice, I guess. I’m trying to write again, and I seem to have forgotten how. Or maybe I’m just figuring out that I never knew how in the first place. I mean, I’m going to keep on writing—that’s not in question. Whether it makes any sense is another matter altogether.

8 March 12023

☿  8 March 12023 is International Woman’s Day in much of the world from Armenia to Zanzibar, although the exact designation varies from place to place. It is also Holi (Hindus), Imam Mahdi’s birthday (Iran), Shushan Purim (Jews), Decoration Day (Liberia), and Revolution Day (Syria). On various calendars it is JD 2460012, 16 Adar 5783, 23 February (O.S.) or 8 March (N.S.) 2023, 18 Phalguna 1944, 16 Sha'ban 1444, or 18 Esfand 1401. For Mouseketeers it is Anything Can Happen Day. The saint of the day is Felix of Burgundy, who brought Christianity to East Anglia, if I’m not confusing him with somebody else. I don’t seem to have any birthdays listed for the date.

On this day in history (11782) Pennsylvania patriots martyred 96 Moravian Christians of the Lenape and Mohican peoples in an orgy of looting, rape, and murder, that was fully supported by white frontiersmen. The martyrs died praying for their murderers, none of whom ever faced justice for their crimes. Not all the Pennsylvania company took part in the crime against humanity, and their accounts provide some of the gruesome details of this event. This, by the way, is the crime Brian Fischer lied about, claiming that their murder was justified by their failure to embrace Christianity as ordered by George Washington. Well, maybe somebody will pray for him as well.

Twisted Semantics

One of my ongoing projects is to create various Books That Should Exist—but don’t. Collected works of writers who have never been properly collected, for example. Textually sound editions of works nobody has bothered to look at properly. (Murray Leinster’s The Other World is an example.)

Two of my favorite sf series are Henry Kuttner’s Gallegher stories (Joe the can-opener is an outstanding character in any book) and Robert Sheckley’s A A A Ace stories. The former were adequately anthologized in the Gnome Press book Robots Have No Tails and my copy somehow survived the disaster that wiped out most of my library a decade or so back, so I feel covered there. But all my Sheckley collection, including my complete file of Galaxy, is gone. So I started assembling my ideal Sheckley collection, without regard for what has actually been assembled. The magazine publication of Mindswap for example, which I consider superior to the padded book version. The great stories like “The Seventh Victim” and “Skulking Permit” and “Ticket to Tranai.” And of course the collected A A A Ace series.

My hypothetical edition would include a non-Sheckley story—the James Blish parody that appeared in F&SF. As I’ve lost my file of that magazine as well—almost my entire extensive sf collection is gone—I was slightly at a loss to find it. Even the ISFDB failed me—at first. After going through its list of magazine contents for what I thought was the right era I chanced on a title that rang a bell—a very faint one. This had already happened a couple of times without paying off, but this time—BINGO!

The piece was “With Malice To Come” and it appeared in the May 1955 issue. According to Anthony Boucher the piece was “an astute and hilarious triptych of parodies of three familiar (far too familiar!) types of science fiction”. The titles of each were “A Feast of Reason,” “The Billion-Year Binge,” and “A Matter of Energy.” The first was the Sheckley parody I was looking for, the second a takeoff on Bradbury’s Martian Chronicles stories, and the third—well, I remembered it, but I couldn’t figure out the target immediately.

And, with good reason, I will note. James Blish was an accomplished writer—“Surface Tension” is a story I personally enjoyed—but he was an abysmal parodist. Here’s a short passage from “A Matter of Energy”:

“Joe,” I asseverated, “I’ve given you the invincible weapon to take over the Romans: twisted semantics. It can’t fail, but if it does, try twisted dianetics. Do you understand what you’re to do?”

“Yes, Cliff,” he lipped thinly.

So, we’re looking for an author who like strained synonyms for “said” and who is probably a follower of General Semantics and/or Dianetics. The former suggests some of the writers from the Space Opera days, while the latter suggests someone like John W. Campbell or A. E. van Vogt. Do either of these features suggest Mark Clifton?

Not to me. But Mark Clifton is indeed the target, and the specific story is “What Have I Done?” which appeared in the May 1952 issue of Astounding. The ending plays directly with the title:

“What have you done?” I hissed grindingly.

“I did just like you said, Cliff,” he replied defensively. “Soon as I had to do some figuring, I holed up in my room and plugged THROBAC into the nearest socket. But—”

“Get to the point!” I ordered commandingly.

“But Cliff,” he wailed protestingly, “you overlooked something. THROBAC operates only on AC current! And the first AC generator wasn’t built until after the 1830’s—A.D.!”

I was crushed. That small oversight—no, it was an undersight, typical of me, underestimating the extent of my own massive knowledge—must have blown every fuse and circuit-breaker in Augustan Rome. I rushed to the nearest history book.

What had I undone?

Okay, okay, I get it. But contrast the actual language of the original:

“We have made a study of this planet and have decided to colonize it.” It was a flat statement, without any doubt behind it.

I flashed him a look of incredulity. “And you expect me to help you with that?”

He gave me a worldly wise look—almost an ancient look. “Why not?” he asked.

“There is the matter of loyalty to my own kind, for one thing,” I said. “Not too many generations away and we’ll be overpopulated also. There would hardly be room for both your people and ours on Earth.”

“Oh that’s all right,” he answered easily. “There’ll be plenty of room for us for quite some time. We multiply slowly.”

“We don’t,” I said shortly.

I mean, “answered easily” and “said shortly” are hardly “hissed grindingly” or “lipped thinly”. It’s not even an exaggeration—it’s just plain wrong. As a sort of Astounding composite it might work—there are bits of van Vogt and H. Beam Piper maybe floating around in it—but other than the Joe character that Cliff couldn’t read it’s not exactly Mark Clifton. On the other hand, the basic premise is funny as hell, and the ending line stuck with me for years, even if I couldn’t remember the name of the piece it came from. But fundamentally, it’s a miss.

The same is true for the Sheckley, though there are some good shots in it. The Bradbury has its points as well. Maybe I’ll look at them in some future episode.

Incoherence Meets Indecision

There are a thousand things I want to write about, but only nine hundred of them are coherent enough to put into the vorpal oven and bake until dry. And my ability to choose is paralyzed. Like the ass in the parable who starves because there is no basis for choosing between two equally desirable feasts, I write nothing because all the possibilities are so enticing. The grooves have worn deep in my brain.

I don’t remember how to write. My tenth grade English teacher taught us that the first paragraph should be an introduction that draws the reader in somehow. The thesis statement must be the first sentence of the second paragraph, no exceptions. (Once when I had enough points accumulated for the class to get an A that quarter no matter what else I did I deliberately wrote a paper in which the thesis statement did not appear until the final paragraph, which was also the conclusion. It didn’t seem to faze her—though of course she might not have read it at all, since it would make no difference to my grade.) But the mindscum principle really doesn’t work like that anyway. Where are we going? I’m not sure. How will we know when we get there? The text will come to a stop.

These may not be exactly rules, but they’re all I’ve got. Groping blindly into a pre-destined future (assuming the determinists are correct in their assumptions) is no guarantee of coherence, but neither is it assurance of failure. Whatever it is, it was baked into the framework of things since the universe first started unfolding. There’s reassurance there, along with fatalistic despair. If there’s no free will, how do we know we’re not all slaves?

I’m going to try to fight my way out of this paper bag, but the prospects look bad. What’s worse than bad? Abysmal, maybe. I’m going to post this as is, even though it never turned into anything, in the hopes that I will force myself into choice and coherence by displaying my incoherence and indecision for all to see. Maybe embarrassment will work when all else fails.